“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
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Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.