“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
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Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
tourist season
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.