Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

No one:

London landlords:

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window