I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
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“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
A new level of troll.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.