I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?