Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

Uh oh…

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.