I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
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ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
thinking about this
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me: