I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
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If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
