I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
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I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.