I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
You Might Also Like
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.