Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.