Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

Ha

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

Classic German Shepherd 😂

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.