I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
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Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
me when somebody idk start touching me
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”