I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
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There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
hmmmmmm
Good point.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.