I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
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Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
