I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

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[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]


That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.


telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes


if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping


I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.


*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card


My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.


All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.