@iGreenGod

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

You Might Also Like

@chuuew

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

@noneofyours99

That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.

@SketchesbyBoze

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

@tarashoe

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

@kimtopher22

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

@TheAlexNevil

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

@iGreenGod

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

@maryfairybobrry

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.