I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

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Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever


ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite


“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”


TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade


The neighbor’s dog has barked non stop for three hours.

And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.


someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom


Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude