I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
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My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.