@iGreenGod

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

You Might Also Like

@LeahTiscione

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

@notacroc

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

@KateWhineHall

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

@bobvulfov

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

@Just_Lee_

The neighbor’s dog has barked non stop for three hours.

And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.

@ginnyhogan_

someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom

@DrakeGatsby

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude