When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
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HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”
saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.