I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
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When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now