I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
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I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Flowers bee like
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Its a hippotatomus
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I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
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the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”