Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

I have a new favorite meme page

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts