I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
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When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”