Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

Good boy 😂😂

#Caturday

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

Interior designer.