Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

never compromise your values

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?