Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

Mistakes were made

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.