I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
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Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Saturday
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.