Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

Accurate

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?