I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
this FaceApp is creepy af
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Not all heroes wear capes….
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination