Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

Personal question. #JustSaying

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports