I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
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*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”