I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
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Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Merica.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED