I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
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[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands