Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke