I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia