I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
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Lmao
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
