I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
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Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
accurate
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
