I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
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Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
North and South
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.