I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
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Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Noah
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
🤣🤣💀
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?