I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
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I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.