I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
You Might Also Like
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death