I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
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*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Just so funny
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
