I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
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Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Match dot com, but for socks.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.