Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

Things will get butter, keep churning

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers