I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
#SCOTUS one-star review
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
