I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
groan^2
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker