Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

The fall of Netflix

A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.