I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
You Might Also Like
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.