I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
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If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
In banana years, I am bread.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.