How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
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Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Me: Where’s your maternity section?
Her: Over there. How far along is she?
Me: Her? I’m shopping for my Thanksgiving pants.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke