@beefman138

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

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@Your_Boy_Dylan

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

@awkwardphilippe

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

@TheCiscoKidder

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

@BoomBoomBetty

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

@DawnLovesZombie

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

@mikeleffingwell

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Where’s your maternity section?

Her: Over there. How far along is she?

Me: Her? I’m shopping for my Thanksgiving pants.

Her…

@Darlainky

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

@Smooheed

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke