I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
You Might Also Like
That’s amazing.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.