I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
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I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.