I will never stop laughing at this
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My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”