I will never stop laughing at this
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me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
When your man makes a valid point
oh you like architecture? name three walls
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect