I will never stop laughing at this
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I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school