I will never stop laughing at this
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why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.