I will never stop laughing at this
You Might Also Like
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.