Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
How to draw a duck
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.