Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

#CoronaOutbreak

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that