i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
You Might Also Like
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.