Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock