I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
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– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
fixed it
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Worth remembering.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?