I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
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Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
(yawn)
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.