I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
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*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
The days of good grammer has went
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma