I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
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I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
I am crying
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.