I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
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I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter