I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
![]()
You Might Also Like
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
New mindset, who dis?
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
“Great, now I have to pee.”
![]()
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas