Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

bags with threatening auras

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

Optional boss fight.

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

Things will get butter, keep churning

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.