*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
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His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.