Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

Every haunted house movie:

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

Perfect

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.