I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
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*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
*lint rolls you awake*
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
