I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
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Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I know karate and tons of other words.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.