i will not be silenced
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[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.