Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!

Oh, wait…never mind.

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese