I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok