Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

Happy Thanksgiving

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Today I’m going to give it my almost

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*