Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

Fat chances are my favorite chances

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes