Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.